Chasing Ghosts and Finding Signs

chasing ghosts

I heard the footsteps again last night. This wasn’t the first time, and I’m not the only one that’s heard them. They walk the same path Nolan would take when he was getting ready for bed at night. The steps woke me from a dream where I brought this indescribable, unconditional, pure love to children. I’m not sure what kind of healing I was doing, but as I cradled a young girl to my chest, she said she needed to lay on my necklace. (I have a necklace with a heart-stone that Nolan held all the while he was in the hospital that I wear every day.) When I asked her why, she replied in a whisper “Because it tells all the Secrets.”

That’s when I heard the footsteps. They usually come around 3:30 am. This time I got out of bed and tried to find him. “Are you there, Nolan?” I asked the empty room as the tears silently fell. “Where are you?” I didn’t see him. I wish I had. Is he wandering the house at night? Is he still going through the motions as he did here on Earth? I wish I knew.

I sleep in about 30 minute intervals. My mind is constantly calling out to Nolan. Every dream I have is about him. Usually I’m looking for him or something that I know represents him. Many times I’m trying to move in my dream but being held in place or trying to run and not going anywhere. It doesn’t take much to interpret these dreams. The night before last, I was restlessly searching for Nolan and finally was able to find part of him. I saw his feet. Is this progress? I don’t know. I couldn’t find the rest of him, or I just couldn’t see the rest of him. It’s hard to tell. You know how dreams are.

After searching the house for Nolan, I laid in bed for hours just watching the clock and crying quietly. At some point I fell back to sleep and dreamed that I was at school and a girl came up to me asking where Nolan was and how he was doing. I had to tell her “Oh Honey, Nolan passed away in July.” We both broke down, and I awoke awash in the emotions of that moment once again. There is no respite in sleep.

This morning I was reflecting on many of my dreams and not really listening to the radio playing. I was lost in my head, talking to Nolan, begging him to come back. Something strange happened. It’s not the first time this has happened either. It seemed like the volume turned up or my consciousness tuned in just as I heard:

“Sleep tight, I’m not afraid. The ones that we love are here with me.”

Was this a message from my Boy? A message from myself to myself? I don’t know, but it brought me both pain and comfort. These lyrics speak to me on so many levels. Take a moment to sit and listen with me.

The first time this happened, we were in the car. I was just sitting there, lost in my head, crying out to Nolan and it sounded to me like the radio volume increased just as the lyric rang out:

“You’ll be in my heart. Yes, you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more.”

When I listened to the whole song, it rang such a Truth to me. I knew it was Nolan speaking to me through music. Why do I even question it? Music is (was?) such a huge part of him, is it any wonder he would reach out in this way? The signs are there. They comfort and they bring sorrow in equal measure.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could jump forward in time to the moment I see him again. All I have is Now. But Now really, really hurts.


7 thoughts on “Chasing Ghosts and Finding Signs”

  1. It was great to see you this morning. You looked fantastic!
    I feel so content and calm when I read your blog and your signs. The music and signs are so powerful. Let them help you grieve and take care of you.


  2. After my dad died, my mom and I were sitting at the kitchen counter and we heard his footsteps (he wore cowboy boots and had a distinct sound) walk up the walk and grab the screen door handle. Meanwhile my mom and I were sitting there just looking at each other. Then the footsteps walked away. It was so weird. Both of us heard the same thing at the same time. It was comforting to some degree. I hope you find comfort in your signs and your heart heals enough to give you peace.


  3. Last night I was drifting off into sleep and heard a voice say “Maddie” quietly in my ear. I know it was Nolan it sounded just like him. I love reading your blog Amy! Love You! XOXO❤️


  4. I am going to start praying that Nolan speaks to you in your dreams. I think the songs are from him. The footsteps are his… Your not walking alone late at night looking for him… I think Nolan is right beside you … Like the footprints prayer… Xo my friend.


  5. I too heard the footsteps every night i was there the past week. I would lay quietly awake listening, hearing the bunnies upstairs. But then it would get quiet, and the footsteps followed. They walked across the house, back and upstairs then stop. I didn’t move, nor was i afraid. It was almost comforting. I always used to be creeped out by the dowstairs at night, but it was different this time. Calm and serene, sleepovers by the fire with my brother… just like we used to.


  6. No doubt our loved ones communicate with us from the other side. For me it was mostly through music on the radio. One day about a year after my dad passed my husband was putting vinyl siding on our house. He had his truck on the front lawn with the radio playing and I had this thought to go call my dad to have him come see how great it looked. He had been on us for years to at least paint the house to make it look better, and I argued that it didn’t make sense since we planned to vinyl side it. I went to head to the house to get the phone to call him when I was reminded by the In loving memory sticker on the back of the truck that I couldn’t call him. Just at that very moment as tears started to fall the song Family Tradition came on the radio and I knew he was already there.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s