Hurtful Hurts and Truthful Truths

grief2Someone very close to me shut off their filters and let their feelings fly. Alcohol short-circuited those filters, but I think the emotions they shared, or more accurately hurled like burning daggers through my heart, were sincere. According to this person who I do love and respect, I am selfish and self-absorbed. I am weak because I take “F’ing DRUGS” to make it through the day. I am lazy and lay on the couch doing nothing all day. I am failing my youngest son and am not taking care of him. I am “ruining everything and destroying what is left of” my family. I hardly to go the cemetery, and the worst of it – I wasn’t there for Nolan when he left this world.

Want to let that sink in for a minute? Imagine trying desperately to get your head above water and managing the occasional gasp of breath, and then someone comes along who you thought would help you swim but they toss you a cement block instead and it drags you down into the depths of the darkness where you lose all sight of what’s up and down, and you lose all will to keep fighting for air. Welcome to my Now.

Before you condemn this person, consider their point of view. We all say things when we’re drinking that we wouldn’t and shouldn’t have said otherwise. I’m not sure it makes the statements untrue, just that they wouldn’t normally say them out loud. We are all entitled to our opinions and feelings. Just because they hurt, well, that just is. So without getting angry, what do you do? What do I do with all of that?

I’m doing everything I can think of to make it through each day yet each day is getting harder to make it through. I’m reading books about how to deal with Grief, meditating, reaching out to a support group, writing about my feelings, letting others hold me up when I’m too weak to stand. It’s supposed to get better, right? I find myself surrounded by people I wasn’t close to Before and yet I can’t imagine making it through this without them. I’m letting people in and telling Truthful Truths, as someone very dear to me calls the hard things to admit. I’m choosing to only spend time with people who help bring me to the Light, and I’m being authentic. What else can I do? Why is it getting harder?

Here’s my Truthful Truth for today. I am drowning, and I have no desire left to swim. Perhaps Dagger-Person is right and my family would be better off without me. No, I’m not suicidal, but every time I get a migraine, I’m almost hopeful the Aneurysm will rupture so the decision is taken out of my hands. I’m not supposed to talk like that. It makes people nervous. I would never do anything to force the issue, but there it is. I spend more hours a day crying and reliving that horrible experience over and over and over than I spend doing anything else collectively. I’m exhausted with fighting to make it through. There is no respite. There is no peace when Death steals your child and your Soul.

9 thoughts on “Hurtful Hurts and Truthful Truths”

  1. I wish I could help you breathe. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I were there to hold you when you can’t stand. I think so many times during the day… What could I say to make her feel better … And there is nothing. When I don’t see any posts… I get nervous and when I saw the one about the mice… I almost breathed a sigh of relief… Because I’m scared for you… All of you…. And I pray and make wishes and look for signs and think… I can’t even imagine what she is doing to make herself feel better. All I know is I love you… Unconditionally…and I feel guilty for living so far and not seeing you… I wish for SOMETHING for you… And I don’t even know what that something is anymore…. Xo dear friend. Xo

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  2. Oh Amy! My heart is broken for you. I only wish I could take away all that raw pain. It’s so hard when people grieve differently. It’s only been three months….give yourself a break! Filters certainly break down with alcohol but they also break down with grief. Keep surrounding yourself with people who can support you. Bless and forgive those who can’t for they are wrapped up in their own stuff. Keep writing. You write beautifully and fearlessly with honesty and integrity. My heart breaks and tears flow with each post. But you heal a little each time you write. I love you my sweet child.♡♡♡♡

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  3. I read your post, I hear what your saying & my heart breaks for you. I will not try to pretend I understand or know what your going thru because I’ve never lost a child after birth. Even if I had I still could never say those words, each journey is different. With all that said here is my thoughts & feelings on this…..
    Now, I will say I know soul bending loss, the kind you speak of. It bleeds out of every pore of your skin & there is nothing it seems you can do to help it. But for me there was, sorta…. I lost 2 people who I was extremely close to. My rock, my friend, my confidant, my world & all that is good & happy. Devastation doesn’t describe how I was, at 1 time I had 2 toddler & 3 infants – then 5 young children to take care of. I couldn’t I didn’t I collapsed into my sadness & loss. Then 1 day I was sitting in a favorite place, on the beach, balling, screaming out to God & the Heavens, I wasn’t making any sense but it was flying out, anger, pain, sadness, despair & loss. I threw up, coughing to breath I screamed WHY !!! On my knees, soaked in tears just looked up and cried why ???
    There sitting next to me were 2 seagulls, just calmly looking right at me, just me looking right back. And it hit me, I could hear in my heart & soul that they would always be right there with me. It was OK, God knew why, I was not alone, I would always have them both right with me. I knew that they were in Heaven because God took away their pain & suffering. Brought them to a happy place so they could do what they wanted without suffering & be here for those behind…. I didn’t have to understand, but it just was, and it was for the best – for them !! Not me, THEM !! Death was for them, it was ok to let them go because they were always close, always with me, always smiling & comfortable !!!!
    Yes it hurt, yes it felt sorta wrong but I realized it was about them, they were ok, I had done my part, I fought for them, I made sure there were no worries & now my part was done, they were now in God’s hands & I had done well…. It was time to let go – remember the good times, talk about the good times, tell stories & talk to them daily, everyday about things here with me. Each day gets easier, my heart still holds pain & grief but I’m eating, taking care of my kids & starting to heal me. One, Helen passed away in 2003 & my dad passed 12/2010 just 4 days before my birthday….
    Everyone is different, I hold on to white beach rocks for Helen, crystals it was her thing. Dad, he wasn’t materialistic he was giving, so I give, I pray, I help if I can.
    Your going to be OK, everyone has their opinion on grief & healing. Alcohol just lowers inhibitions – drinking is not good so I’m sure what she said came out way way wrong. Try to toss all that aside & find some space & time for you !! To heal, to think & to not think !!! Maybe a silent retreat or a weekend away…..
    I recently took a huge risk & did a 4 day silent retreat on the ocean – can not wait to go back !!!!
    You need support & helpers. Let people do for you as much as they want & you get away. Talk to Nolan, he may have an idea for you…..
    Thoughts & prayers, God Bless you with healing…
    I hope this helped in some small way 🙂
    Take care
    Lisa

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  4. Amy, I don’t know you personally, but I feel I know you emotionally. You see , I too am a mother who loves her two children more than life itself. I would be doing and reacting exactly as you are if anything happened to them. I tell people all the time, if I lose one of them, that would be my undoing. I am so proud of the fact that you can even get out of bed in the morning . Please, please continue writing. There are many people, such as myself, that care deeply for you and care about how you and your family are doing. Nolan sounds like he was a wonderful son and you were so blessed to have been his Mom. Continued prayers are always coming your way.

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  5. I have babies. Well, they are young adults but they will always be my babies. And I could not begin to imagine my life without them. But not to condemn your “close dagger”, I must say, that dagger has some balls. Because losing a child is not to be judged by any that have not felt this pain, although I have not experienced it, it has got to be a nightmare beyond nightmares, a cruelty that chooses to forever exist. I have seen parents close to me lose a child or the child them self who was close to me pass, and the pain was great for all, but far beyond expression for the parents, for we are not supposed to lose our babies. But back to your “dagger”…….how do you see yourself? That’s all that matters. Trust that you are doing what works and what is best for you and your family. Not the ramblings of a drunk person. For which I have no doubt must love you, but has no idea what this pain is like. They can imagine it, but they can never know. Your stronger then you think. Trust in that. You are still healing with no certain time of “being better” with all of this. I know a mom who didn’t leave her bed……for six months. You are doing fine. Love you.

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  6. I have to admit that I am shocked at that dagger person. Really shocked. We all need tough love and a push sometimes but this one crossed the line. Please Amy! Please do not believe these comments! Please! It has NOT BEEN THAT LONG! Listen to Sherri above me….you are getting up each day, writing, cooking once in a while, going to camp, going to football games, talking to people, smiling occasionally. You are doing the best you can right now and you have MANY admirers for how well you are coping. Please don’t listen to this opinion. It is a minority viewpoint for sure.

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  7. Oh Amy, one day at a time, be gentle with yourself and know that you are loved. Sending love to the whole family. xo

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  8. There is no time when grieving, you grieve each at your own pace….as painful as it is to hear another’s painful thoughts on what you are or or not doing, at least those words are not festering inside this person and with them out there in the universe, maybe you can find compassion for each other in whatever way is best for you to process each moment, each day, each breath. You are better when expressing your grief, something that may be terrifying to this other person who feels they cannot or should not allow the grief to come out, to be revealed so it can heal in the light of day. It has only been 3 months, hardly a moment, since you have been forced to live your life in a completely different way. Allow yourself to give yourself a break, love yourself enough to listen to your inner needs, keep breathing, keeping taking one step forward, keep writing, with each word you are one step closer to healing your soul’s ache….and as awful, as painful, as raw, as your emotions get (both of you) continue to share them, let them out and let each other in to those dark places that nobody should have to walk alone. We are all out here holding the light for you until you can see it for yourself, we are out here wishing and hoping there was something we could do, we are out here loving you and praying that love will be enough. And though you may feel you are drowning alone, you are not, we are all drowning with you and praying, and crying, and hoping…… ❤

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