4 Months

hourglassIt’s been 4 months Since. 122 days, 17 hours, and approximately 37 minutes as of this writing. Since.

Each day moves me a little further away from that moment. I’m trying hard to not let my mind wander back to that time as often. It’s a bitter, uphill battle. I’ve learned to be vigilant with my thoughts. I have a note taped over the kitchen sink that reads “Control your thoughts and keep moving.” I need that reminder. If I don’t constantly stay in control of my thoughts, I’m back there at that moment reliving the next 4 days of torture. Sometimes I’m not strong enough to be vigilant. I’m blindfolded balancing on a tight rope covered in oil over a pool of razors in a bath of salt water. I slip quite often.

Everything has changed. My life is a shadow of the richness it once was. I am but a shell of the person I once was. My playful, free spirit is weighted down. My wings are broken. My spark is drenched. My face has creases that weren’t there Before. I’ve aged at least 5 years Since. There are lines around and bags under my eyes. My skin is dry and thin. It feels like my outsides are beginning to mirror my insides turning me into a dry husk of a human. I barely eat yet keep getting heavier. My body is trying desperately to wrap me in layers to protect my fragile Self. The weight simply pulls me down deeper under the water.

I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. Her smile is forced and it never reaches her eyes. The sparkle is gone. This woman before me doesn’t laugh as easily or stand as tall. Well, as tall as her slight 5’3″ frame once did. This woman can’t really be me.

This woman before me has no tolerance for petty drama or bullsh*t. She is empty inside but with a well of compassion that knows no bounds. Her thinking is at once clear and confused. She can’t understand why people get so upset about minor things. A car breakdown, a grumpy child, a fight with a spouse. She sees beyond the annoyances to what really matters. She has no filter. She will share her perspective on your struggles with a simple, blunt statement, not meaning to sound crass but simply unable to mince words. She would trade your struggles for hers in a heartbeat.

The people surrounding this woman have changed. She has been abandoned by those she thought to count on in her weakest moments. She has been hurt deeply by those who profess to love her. Yet, she is surrounded by people who are True, Honest, Authentic, Pure. Brave. It takes a brave person to walk in her orbit. It’s a messy, ugly space filled with obstacles and fragmented remains of a shattered life that can destroy you.

This woman before me spends a lot of time on her knees now, in sorrow and in prayer. She knows she is too weak to stand alone. She is somehow strong enough to allow support.

Time is different now. It seems like a second and a lifetime. I still wait for Nolan to come say goodnight at the end of the day. Every night I wait. I still expect to see him getting ready for school in the morning. Every morning. I find myself thinking about where he should be in that moment. Every moment. It’s not true that time heals all wounds. Time passes, that’s all. It passes too quickly and too slowly. I can’t wait to get to the end so we can be together again. I want time to stand still so I can hold Li’l N just the way he is. Nothing makes sense. I will wait for Nolan for every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life. I will miss him. I will ache for him. I will Love him.

It’s been 4 months. 122 days, 17 hours, and approximately 37 minutes as of this writing. And yet, all that has passed is the blink of an eye.

 

9 thoughts on “4 Months”

  1. As I read your words, I feel as thought I could’ve spoken them myself. The pain of losing our children, so loving and with so much left to gift to the world…..a pain so raw and a pain only a woman who has lost a child can truly understand. I never wanted a friendship like ours…..a friendship that came from our Angel children guiding us together. Two mom’s that share such a raw and familiar pain. Yet, here I sit, with understanding tears in my eyes…..feeling so grateful that although I never wanted to be joined in “this horrible club”, I am so grateful that our angels and our universe have brought us together to share. Even if it’s just to share a hug without needed words. You are so right when you say that “time does not heal all wounds, it only passes….and oh so slowly”. I too look forward to the day I get to see my Taylor again. I think about the next 50 years or so I have to miss her……and then I also think about the next 50 or so years I have left to “live” and enjoy the milestones of my other 3 children…..and did I think….my! We all were ripped off so badly. 5 minutes of poor teen choices in a car has changed my world forever. I define my life now in 2 phases, Before the crash and After. An incomplete mom…..forever.

    Your words are beautiful. Never stop writing. You, my friend, allowed me to feel like I’m not alone. There is someone who “gets it”. Love to you and Ray.

    Christina

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  2. I love the woman in your mirror whoever she turns out to be… pain, broken wings, wrinkles, fear, grief and all….always…and as for me, I will always see your sparkle even when you feel it’s not there…. ❤ Surrounding you in love from afar….

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  3. Today is never a good day. I could see the pain today in your beautiful face. I wanted to wrap you up and caccoon you in love and sympathy to offer some ease. But you will still be dying inside and your baby boy will always be the first thing on your mind throughout every minute of everyday. I’m glad Nolan chooses to be with you in spirit and shows you signs. He needs you as much as you and your family needs him to be present through his signs. I see it offers you some relief. Not much, but a little can get you to the next time you see a sign.

    And by the way, your beautiful inside and out. This changed you, but your still you. Just another you. Keep writing.

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  4. Amy
    This is so strange to me. I think about you every day. I’m sure there are so many of us who have kids in the class of 2018 who do think of you every day. Every time I pull my car onto MCIs campus I think “I will never take this for granted not one day of it”. No matter how tired I am no matter if Ben is being moody or I don’t feel well. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Amy, I understand it when you say that there are so many things that happen that we get upset about and yet are so insignificant. My friend Illka lost her child two years ago. She feels the same about minute things that do not matter. You and she live a completely different reality than any of us who haven’t been in your shoes. I was thinking about the time thing today. How when we suffer tragedy time is so slow so different. I hope you can feel my heart holding you up as so many hearts are trying to.

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    1. Sorry! I didn’t share what it was that seemed strange to me. I was thinking just this evening before I read you post how your time has to be so different than any of ours who are not living your reality.

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  5. You are amazing.Amy and I sure wish I could ease some of your pain. Keep writing sweetie it affects many people in ways they may not even understand. Much love and respect for you always.

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  6. You will always be beautiful to me. I know your wings are broken and every day I pray for strength for you to get through the day. I speak to Nolan and look for his signs and ask him to help all of you. Once again , yesterday I did not know what to write… Today is no better because my words won’t take your pain away.. Wish I lived in that beautiful litle town of yours so I could come hold you and wipe your tears. Love you my friend Xo

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