Mother’s Day. The one day a year when we can sleep as late as we want, get everyone else to do our housework, and not have to change a diaper, cook any food, or lift a finger. I used to plan it for weeks ahead of time. It was like getting one wish from a Genie. I had to make sure to incorporate everything I wanted in a single statement. “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” That took some thought. “I want…everyone to be silent so I can try to sleep late, and then I want coffee and a book in bed, then I want to get dressed without any interruptions while you all clean the entire house and do the laundry, then I want to go get <flowers? plants? new bag? shoes? perfume?>, while you all compliment me on how wonderful I am and how much seeing me being spoiled warms your heart, then I want <to go to favorite restaurant> <have you cook my favorite meal> while I read my book and come to the table when dinner’s ready, and then I want you to clean the entire kitchen, finish the laundry, while I go lay in bed and read my book.” Last year I sat outside reading my book while Nolan painted my toes. He didn’t say a word other than “This is harder than I thought it would be.” Then he sat with my feet in his lap and we talked. I don’t remember what exactly we talked about, but we just sat in the sun, sharing some time. I appreciated it then. Now it means absolutely everything to me.
“What do you want for Mother’s Day?” My Darling Husband knew not to even ask the question this year. He wrote me a beautiful card that made me cry. He told me we could do whatever, go wherever, and buy anything I wanted. He asked if there was anything I wanted for Mother’s Day. “My son.” That’s all I wanted. That’s all I want.
I woke up to a silent house, knowing DH and Li’l N (and his friend I had let sleep over the night before) were doing their best to let me sleep. The tears came before my eyes opened. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t try. I pulled myself out of bed, got my coffee and book, took one look at my DH and crumbled. He simply wrapped his arms around me. What else could he do? He couldn’t say anything and neither did I. I took my coffee and book into my Selfish Nook and cried alone. I couldn’t stop crying for hours. It wasn’t until I saw my beautiful daughter and grandson pull in the driveway that I got up and decided to move. They went outside to play, and I took a shower and put clothes on. I cried in the shower as I usually do. I cried while I was getting dressed. I sat on the floor and cried before I went to hold my grandson. I was surrounded by love, but all I could really feel was the emptiness. I miss Nolan so much that words don’t do justice the feelings. It’s a physical pain like no other. It’s an emotional pain that shears you to your very Soul. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I just wanted the day to be over. I asked Li’l N and my beautiful daughter if they would go with me to visit Nolan. At first they said no. I know it probably wasn’t fair to even ask, but the only thing I really wanted was to have all of my children with me. The closest I could come to that was having them sit with me in the cemetery.
It was a beautiful 80 degree day. As I sat at my child’s grave, I felt cold. I felt empty. I felt beyond lonely. I saw only Nolan and the place he should have occupied. Then I felt DH come behind me and put his legs against my back. No words were spoken. It was a silent, “Lean on me. I will hold you up.” Grief has been an incredibly lonely, separate Journey for us. We lost the same child but our experience of him was vastly different. The way we feel that loss is different. We are going through the same thing, but alone, all alone. That simple gesture comforted me in a way nothing else has been able to. I opened my eyes and saw the bigger picture. I wasn’t alone. DH stood with me, literally supporting me. My other children were right there with me. Silently holding space for me, for their brother. My Grandson was there with his pure joy, showing us that even in our saddest, most sorrowful time, there is still wonder in the world around us. I am so very blessed to have these Souls with me on this Journey. I am and will always be a Mother of 5, no matter where their Spirit dwells.