Tag Archives: tears

Hugs from Heaven

embrace101

A couple of times now, I have gained consciousness while I was sleeping. Think lucid dreaming, but a little different. I know I’m asleep, or I think I am at the time, yet I can see clearly. I see DH and Li’l N sleeping soundly beside with me. I can see the clock and the time. I can see the light from the pellet stove in the next room. I can see clearly even though my eyes are closed and I don’t have my glasses on. I haven’t been able to see without glasses for 30 years! It’s been an interesting experience, but I hadn’t given it much thought until last night.

Again, the lucid state was upon me. I looked lovingly at the two sharing my bed and then I happened to look into the dark. It was in my mind’s eye, and at the same time it wasn’t. I don’t know if I can describe accurately the experience. Mere words seem inadequate. In the distance, I saw Nolan’s profile forming out of shadows. I felt a flutter in my heart, and I remember “saying” to myself or Nolan or whoever was listening “OH my God, it’s Nolan! Come here! Please come here!” and there he was. Fully formed in front of me, smiling with that twinkle in his eyes that I haven’t seen in 111 days. My heart raced, the adrenaline rushed, and I put my hands on his arms. Nolan was wearing his black Aeropostle sweatshirt that was hanging in my closet. I don’t think I noticed what he was wearing other than that. The thought came to me that every time I think of him, I think of a certain outfit he loves to wear and was surprised to see him choose that sweatshirt. He had his “gutter bangs” which he had stopped wearing recently but was one of his favorite hairstyles. I was able to touch him. I felt his arms, warm and pliant beneath my hands. I said to him “I can’t believe you’re really here!” Then I hugged him. I cannot begin to describe how that felt. He didn’t say anything to me, but he was smiling. He held me as tightly as I did him. God, it felt so good! He was taller than me still and wrapped his arms over mine, holding me to his chest like I used to do when he was smaller than me. I remember not wanting to ever leave his embrace. The waves of emotion began to flood over me and I felt myself being drawn away from him. Inside I screamed with everything I had “Wait! NO!!!!” I couldn’t stop the pull. He stayed still, smiling at me, as I was thrown into wakefulness, back into my body.

I lay in bed now fully awake, still feeling his presence. Was it a dream? It certainly could have been. It felt like more. I don’t know if I was in or out of my body. I feel like I was able to reach a place where we could both meet. My mind kicked in and pulled me back, but I really feel like I was with him for those few precious moments. I want to go back with every ounce of my Soul, I want to go back. I want to be able to spend more time in that Place In-Between; neither Here nor There, but the most special place I have ever been. There was no Otherworld around us. It was just he and I in the dark, but it was the warmest, safest dark I have ever felt.

I pray this is only the beginning of learning how to spend time with him again. Last week was so hard. I was pulled under by the Grief for a solid 5 days. I began to think I needed to be hospitalized. Seriously, it was that bad. This week I’ve been stronger. Is that the key? Each time I come out from under the Grief, I am a fraction stronger for a little while. Is this progress, or am I getting more delusional as the days pass? Honestly, I don’t care if I am. I was with Nolan for a few moments. He was smiling. I felt his arms. We held each other close, and I felt his love. If that’s crazy, then I never want to be sane again.

Hurtful Hurts and Truthful Truths

grief2Someone very close to me shut off their filters and let their feelings fly. Alcohol short-circuited those filters, but I think the emotions they shared, or more accurately hurled like burning daggers through my heart, were sincere. According to this person who I do love and respect, I am selfish and self-absorbed. I am weak because I take “F’ing DRUGS” to make it through the day. I am lazy and lay on the couch doing nothing all day. I am failing my youngest son and am not taking care of him. I am “ruining everything and destroying what is left of” my family. I hardly to go the cemetery, and the worst of it – I wasn’t there for Nolan when he left this world.

Want to let that sink in for a minute? Imagine trying desperately to get your head above water and managing the occasional gasp of breath, and then someone comes along who you thought would help you swim but they toss you a cement block instead and it drags you down into the depths of the darkness where you lose all sight of what’s up and down, and you lose all will to keep fighting for air. Welcome to my Now.

Before you condemn this person, consider their point of view. We all say things when we’re drinking that we wouldn’t and shouldn’t have said otherwise. I’m not sure it makes the statements untrue, just that they wouldn’t normally say them out loud. We are all entitled to our opinions and feelings. Just because they hurt, well, that just is. So without getting angry, what do you do? What do I do with all of that?

I’m doing everything I can think of to make it through each day yet each day is getting harder to make it through. I’m reading books about how to deal with Grief, meditating, reaching out to a support group, writing about my feelings, letting others hold me up when I’m too weak to stand. It’s supposed to get better, right? I find myself surrounded by people I wasn’t close to Before and yet I can’t imagine making it through this without them. I’m letting people in and telling Truthful Truths, as someone very dear to me calls the hard things to admit. I’m choosing to only spend time with people who help bring me to the Light, and I’m being authentic. What else can I do? Why is it getting harder?

Here’s my Truthful Truth for today. I am drowning, and I have no desire left to swim. Perhaps Dagger-Person is right and my family would be better off without me. No, I’m not suicidal, but every time I get a migraine, I’m almost hopeful the Aneurysm will rupture so the decision is taken out of my hands. I’m not supposed to talk like that. It makes people nervous. I would never do anything to force the issue, but there it is. I spend more hours a day crying and reliving that horrible experience over and over and over than I spend doing anything else collectively. I’m exhausted with fighting to make it through. There is no respite. There is no peace when Death steals your child and your Soul.

Chasing Ghosts and Finding Signs

chasing ghosts

I heard the footsteps again last night. This wasn’t the first time, and I’m not the only one that’s heard them. They walk the same path Nolan would take when he was getting ready for bed at night. The steps woke me from a dream where I brought this indescribable, unconditional, pure love to children. I’m not sure what kind of healing I was doing, but as I cradled a young girl to my chest, she said she needed to lay on my necklace. (I have a necklace with a heart-stone that Nolan held all the while he was in the hospital that I wear every day.) When I asked her why, she replied in a whisper “Because it tells all the Secrets.”

That’s when I heard the footsteps. They usually come around 3:30 am. This time I got out of bed and tried to find him. “Are you there, Nolan?” I asked the empty room as the tears silently fell. “Where are you?” I didn’t see him. I wish I had. Is he wandering the house at night? Is he still going through the motions as he did here on Earth? I wish I knew.

I sleep in about 30 minute intervals. My mind is constantly calling out to Nolan. Every dream I have is about him. Usually I’m looking for him or something that I know represents him. Many times I’m trying to move in my dream but being held in place or trying to run and not going anywhere. It doesn’t take much to interpret these dreams. The night before last, I was restlessly searching for Nolan and finally was able to find part of him. I saw his feet. Is this progress? I don’t know. I couldn’t find the rest of him, or I just couldn’t see the rest of him. It’s hard to tell. You know how dreams are.

After searching the house for Nolan, I laid in bed for hours just watching the clock and crying quietly. At some point I fell back to sleep and dreamed that I was at school and a girl came up to me asking where Nolan was and how he was doing. I had to tell her “Oh Honey, Nolan passed away in July.” We both broke down, and I awoke awash in the emotions of that moment once again. There is no respite in sleep.

This morning I was reflecting on many of my dreams and not really listening to the radio playing. I was lost in my head, talking to Nolan, begging him to come back. Something strange happened. It’s not the first time this has happened either. It seemed like the volume turned up or my consciousness tuned in just as I heard:

“Sleep tight, I’m not afraid. The ones that we love are here with me.”

Was this a message from my Boy? A message from myself to myself? I don’t know, but it brought me both pain and comfort. These lyrics speak to me on so many levels. Take a moment to sit and listen with me.

The first time this happened, we were in the car. I was just sitting there, lost in my head, crying out to Nolan and it sounded to me like the radio volume increased just as the lyric rang out:

“You’ll be in my heart. Yes, you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more.”

When I listened to the whole song, it rang such a Truth to me. I knew it was Nolan speaking to me through music. Why do I even question it? Music is (was?) such a huge part of him, is it any wonder he would reach out in this way? The signs are there. They comfort and they bring sorrow in equal measure.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could jump forward in time to the moment I see him again. All I have is Now. But Now really, really hurts.

 

Swallowed Whole

tears

This morning I spent 45 minutes composing a blog entry about a happy memory. I decided that after baring my Soul, I would give myself, and you, a break from the Grief. I think that’s important to do every once in a while. It was a fantastic piece of writing, if I do say so myself! Considering I’m not all that impressed with my writing, that says something! I laughed while remembering the great Slim Jim War. I planned to finish up and publish the piece, get dressed quickly, and spend my day in my new favorite place, Castine Candle Company. ( http://www.castinecandle.com ) Carrie and Micah, who own Castine, have become so dear to me. Their shop is my safe place to go and just Be. They let me help with whatever they’re working on, and most importantly, they make me laugh. I love them.

My writing was going so well, I decided to include a short video of Nolan being funny. I wanted you to hear his voice and his laughter. Inadvertently, I clicked a link which navigated away from the page. Yeah. Bad move. Everything I had poured my heart into, everything I laughed about, everything that made me feel good in that moment was gone. Simply and irretrievably gone.

The floodgates opened. I called DH to come help. I posted for help on Facebook and stepped away from the computer. I tried to hold off the panic, but it came full freaking force. So, trying to stay rational, I went and took a shower. I thought I’d just go about my day and not let it get to me. It’s frustrating to lose all that work, but it’s not the end of the world.

I found myself on the floor of the shower crying so hysterically you couldn’t tell which was water and which were tears. I couldn’t breathe. I was trying to tell myself that it was only a bunch of words and I could write them again but it didn’t help. My emotions didn’t match the event. Then it hit me. Nolan’s gone. Just like that. Simply and irretrievably gone. And I can’t get him back. There is no “undo” button. I poured my heart and Soul and every fiber of my Being into that Boy. I laughed with him, at him, because of him. I enjoyed everything about him, and as simply as I clicked away from a screen, he was taken from my life.

I don’t even know how I managed to get out of the shower or upstairs. It’s all a blur. I was having a full-blown panic attack. I have no idea how DH knew to come check on me, but thank God he did. Well, good for me, not him. He found me on the bathroom floor, in the very spot where we lost Nolan. I couldn’t stand and was hyperventilating severely. I had taken a half pill (under the tongue like you’re supposed to in an emergency), but my bottle was empty. No help there.

I don’t know how long I was on the floor. I remember almost calming down and my head spun so quickly, I passed out. I know I stop breathing when I pass out. I heard DH’s voice from what seemed like far away telling me that “This is not good for me. Get up. Get in bed.” It roused me enough for him to get me out of the room. God, it broke my heart all over again. I was the one on the bathroom floor with Nolan when he went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing. DH was on the phone with 911 and came in to start rescue breathing, and then when we lost his pulse, DH was the one to start CPR. I grabbed Little N and tried to get him out of the room so he wouldn’t see. I can’t get into all the details of that night right now or even just the events of that room. I was in and out of the room and have those visions that replay on a constant loop 24 hours a day. It’s nothing compared to what DH has visions of. And there I was, in the same spot, on top of Nolan’s blood stains still marking the carpet, unconscious and not breathing.

I let DH get me to bed, and there I stayed all day.  I managed to get up long enough to pick up Little N from school and take him to the doctor. My head was still spinning so badly, I was nervous to even drive. I pretended like nothing was wrong, but Little N knew. He looked at me a little sideways and asked if I had remember to pick up my pills today. Little Bugger is quite an intuitive young man. As soon as we got home, I climbed back into bed where I remained right up until I decided to just let the words out, which was about 7:30pm. I cancelled my plans at Castine. I didn’t answer my phone. I watched bad reality tv all day. And I cried an ocean of tears. Instead of the respite from Grief I had given myself permission to enjoy, it sneaked right up and swallowed me whole.

Some days that happens. Tomorrow is 3 months “Since.”